Living

 When you get a really long break, a side effect of that is boredom, especially when you're left alone to ponder for every waking second of your day. While I may not have written a lot for the last few months, life has given me multiple chances to simply sit back and reflect on every single action I take as part of my day. I may have even come up with multiple fresh topics to write a brand-new blog post. But most of them sit with me as drafts from a single second of pondering. 

Since the last post, I've read books, discovered multiple theories and possibilities and grown my little knowledge some further. I've learnt a lot about ways to live, and even more about the multiple principles that follow modern day societies. I've gone through historic texts and thought seriously forbidden thoughts. Not only that, but I've reconnected with a few friends, and left a few behind, I've developed newer motives to what I want out of life and newer motives to what I don't. 

Here's a quote I came across (to add a little solid thought between the clutter):

"The iconic tragedy is that life is supposed to be lived forward, but it can only make sense in reverse"

You look back at things that happened, and you see how they changed you, how they changed the world around you. Here's a little thought I always use, considering how greatly optimistic I usually am~ if you feel happy looking back at what happened, you've reached the end of the change that was meant to be. If you feel sad, grieved, empty, or even regretful looking back at what happened, you're still in the process, and you've got to trust this process. 

But then there's also another issue with trusting the process~ which is you can never really have a clear idea when it starts or when it'll end. The only one thing you can be sure of is what you have and what you can feel right now. A little part of me has always been scared of this 'trusting the process' thing, because that would mean you completely surrender your basic control and let life take you where it has to. And that can seem okay to some, but in my case, I lack the ultimate trust it takes to just let things go however they have to. 

In the modern world, where you have a thousand options and equally, a thousand drawbacks to every single option, you ought to choose, make decisions, and simply trusting the process cannot answer every single question you have towards life. So what approach really can a person follow that would, as they all advise, keep you in the present free from worries of past and future? Let you live every single moment of your day, and live to the best of your capability?

There's no one answer to it. And that's actually the answer in itself the beauty of life is you get to slowly and very slowly adapt to newer things, mostly without ever even noticing them in the first place. By the time you realize, you may have already left a version of yourself behind. The beauty of life, as I've found and felt, is in living every single moment. That's a cliché, so let's frame it better.

Some moments in life are just simply hard to witness at all, hard to experience, harder to think about, and even harder to look back at and feel good. It is though, in those moments of negativity, confusion, loss, fear or any of those emotions, that your brain shapes itself for adversity and truly grows. But just in the name of letting your brain grow, and become better, trying to stay positive sounds like a joke better said than done.

This is the part where I look back, at all the advice I've known, and my own experience and realize, the optimism I have isn't sourced from some extremely happy mind, or a healthy body, a good family, no. I've realized it comes from the fact that I've lived, felt, maybe even exaggerated, but experienced and processed every setback, every bad moment, every little change, every big fall. Felt it, and not run away from it, or hid it, perhaps not even shared it, but written about it and felt it.

That's not something I've had all my life, and I've not even called myself an optimist for most of whatever-a-life I've lived this far, which is a very small number really. 

But I know at some point, instead of panicking and hiding grief, I learned to live it through, every stage, every bit, and that's what's helped my tsunamis of emotions, and mood swings pass.

At least that's what I think, yet. 

Love Love,

Rashima <3