So it's been a year again....

 For some random reason yesterday i finally thought about this blog after what had truly been a long year, although different this time since for the last few updates, it was really mostly bad things happening to me. I've only realized while typing this last line that maybe this blog is the place i come running to when I have emotions hard for me to understand myself, let alone letting them out and off to my family or friends. It's a different feeling to leave your head out to blank papers or blank canvases when nobody understands you and you yourself are pretty awkward about going out and saying what you really feel, same old teenage feelings maybe or insecurities maybe of what the receiver is going to really think when they hear out the thoughts that are haunting you all along.

College applications are out everywhere, it's a turning point in life and in time, in about 6 months I may be here or I may be gone, my head and heart maybe the same or they may have changed completely, and that's not a very comforting thing to think of, now to be frank I haven't really ever admitted to being scared of growing up because personally I've never felt like I'm losing something as I'm growing up. Maybe it's a perk of being an optimist where you only look at how multiple experiences come by and shape you bit by bit into a fresh new person, and you slowly learn to crawl out of that old skin into fresh new days and better skies waiting for you. It's a thing of being an optimist to think of getting to the end of the tunnel when you're stuck in the dark and with dreadful thoughts.

Snowdrop - Flower of January, symbolizes hope. 

But lately life feels slower than I'd ever felt, almost like the fear, the changes and all the emotions of the past few months have stopped time to be acknowledged, and I've really lost some of that optimistic soul to this slowing time, somehow the monsoons of 2024 felt like heaven had dropped straight to me and life was getting easier then autumn set up beautiful dreams and cozy skies, winter wasn't so harsh and passed bit by bit in beautiful days and weirdly hopeful nights considering winter nights have been my dread ever since I was a child for how closed up everything felt, but not this time around. 2024 as a year gave me a high in life, I was really unaware I needed, and although I've tried my best to keep this topic for a different post, 2024 gave me PEOPLE, 2024 gave me LIFE, 2024 gave me BREATHS that i didn't even know I was missing out on until I finally calmed down and felt at peace.

But for whatever reason, good things apparently don't last long, I've been two months into 2025 now and this year feels scarily dreadful, to recount, there's still skies but somehow the heart doesn't light up so beautifully on seeing those skies, there's still stars and the moon, but somehow looking at the moon doesn't bring peace as it used to. The same moon being absent for half a fortnight every now and then now affects me a lot more than it did previously, maybe somewhere because even in bits and specks, the moon brought hope up until 2024 lasted, and somehow that hope broke apart and vanished to nothing when 2025 came by, now even looking at the moon seems hopeless.

2025 came by in a blur but sure made its mark for how long just January and February of the year have felt, 2024 gave me people, built connections and gave me hope even if in tatters of things up ahead, 2025 came by to slowly and painfully distance me from the same people and instead of hope, give me tatters in the name of college admissions and career pages, not like i hadn't thought of those topics in 2024 or not mad ethe same plans I'm making now, but somehow the same plan sounded hopeful in 2024 and feels like hell in 2025, almost as if every single one of those plans can fall apart any moment they want to and nothings stopping them from it...

to a better 2025...

Love Love,

Rashima <3