Passion, Perseverence, Pain
I've learnt a lot from my experience with my exam, and quite a lot of it is actually from the pressure it may have put on me, I acknowledge it or not. Some parts of your life are lost to continually trying hard, sometimes you can recover, sometimes you can't. To be fair, both are equally important for a person's overall development as a human being. But there's this little part of you that's still going to hurt when you think of what you've left behind.
And at multiple points, even after you've maybe gotten good results from the journey, some part of you might just feel missing. There's some weird joy that I must've left behind as I started chasing this one exam, with many emotions, fresh new feelings, even new people and changed environments in my case.
I was a different person before I had started my journey with this one exam~ a little borer of that still lies somewhere on this blog in my writings from the February and March 2023. Honestly, I can't quite bring myself to say I was more cheerful or more complete, for I wasn't. I had a best friend and some very wonderful friend circles back then, but emotionally I guess it would be way better to say I like what I have become now. The weight of lessons from that time seems to be way too high for me to partake simply.
Thodi zyada fancy English hogyi, so I'll get back to my very basic topic of conversation, or rather vent, which is the loss of this one little hopeless romantic. However, I must add that I somehow don't think I've really LOST her. Maybe she's still somewhere in me and trying to surface the hell out, but it's just these annoying boundaries from growing up that I won't let down.
There was a part of me back then that had believed it wasn't me that was hard to love, rather the people around me that I didn't quite fit in with. They probably didn't see the right way around to letting me know of their presence. But in recent years it's perhaps been the loss of family members one after another, or it's just been part of growing up, I've lost hope in gaining love in any form anyway, maybe it's the growing tension of a career or the fear of commitment for I might leave and join another place soon, there's no one spot to put this to, and somehow this blog has to be the spot I let it out.
The flower in the vase smiles but no longer laughs.
~Malcolm de Chazal
The fun part for me has to be how this blog is basically private except maybe for 1 or 2 viewers who sometimes show up and checkout the pages, a good few added views might be coming from my own constant refreshes in rereading material I've let out, thinking whether another person would seriously be interested in hearing the thoughts of mine that seem pointless to me even at times.
All that surely takes a toll on a personal level, and surely does affect your sanity at a much greater level than you give it credit for. Till the final moment~ revising, redoing, rethinking, relearning even. All that surely would seem to work out considering giving continuous tests, analyzing very single one of them after getting up from every wrong score. Sure it would have worked out, it definitely would have… right?
Other than the exam flew over the roof out to the sky and straight off into space as if somehow even luck wanted to play around with this little kid. Some part of me feels very upset at the fact that I keep losing every battle I give life and light for. And yet the battles I pay no heed to surely seem to run after me for somehow, I seem to be a lost love of theirs. It's funny how trying hard for an exam gives bad results, and giving basically zero on the day before somehow seems to heighten the score way beyond my little scope of understanding.
I'll leave it to my kinds readers to research the exam~ it's called NEET 2025.
No resentment, no regrets.
Love Love,
Rashima <3
For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these~ 'It might have been'.
~John Greenleaf Whittier
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