Love

 It seems like a weird feeling that might start in your head or, as others say, right in the midst of your chest. It has the power to sweep you away into a fresh, new sense of being you didn't know you had inside yourself. Likewise, it makes you feel multiple complicated yet beautiful emotions and sometimes, it even throws you down a spiral that leads you to a horrible fall.

I've been a classic anti-romantic all my life, and simultaneously somehow also managed to always be a hopeless romantic at the same time. And weirdly enough, both of them somehow do fit together pretty well. The part that's hopeless seeks this beautiful feeling of euphoric love every single time, and the part that's against the idea is what grounds you and reminds you of harsh realities. The anti-romantic part cannot come without once being a romantic, is my opinion. 

I personally feel like an anti-romantic notion towards looking at others romantically can arise only after you've tried pulling all ends close to each other and tried loving multiple times over and over again. Not just in people you see as potential partners but also family relations like being a daughter, son, sister, brother, or maybe friendships that fall through all thanks to the wrong or impatient responses of one or both.

From what I've learnt living some 17 years of my life, all humans have flaws~ some major, some minor, some forgettable, some unforgettable, some forgivable, some unforgivable. The process of loving doesn't start at noticing these flaws either, it starts at completely ignoring any flaws and seeing only and only the person under them. There's a test of loving that a lot of our modern love stories cannot pass, and that is noticing, witnessing, living each flaw of the other person soon after you've let them in. The test is in figuring out how to live with that flaw, whether it can be foxed or whether it needs better onlooking, whether it needs support or whether it needs addressing, sometimes it even takes a conscious change.

This test is honestly and truly the hardest part. Being at the receiving end, you have no direct control over how this one flaw is going to affect you and your time with this one person you've finally grown towards. Can this flaw really be subsided? Is it really something that can be worked on? Will it take conscious effort to change? Or will it stay as it is? 

One thing that in fact does stay right in its place, working your delicate heart around that flaw isn't pain free. It surely takes a lot of harsh shaping and scraping for that little heart to be able to get through with this. The thing is, if it does work out, your cute feeling of Euphoria basically doubles itself and the whole world that used to seemed until a little while ago suddenly seems to start to go the right way. Honestly, even all of it falling apart either doesn't really make you feel like you've been left in despair, for somehow your conscious has a home to return to. Your jumbled head has a thought that won't fail it.

But there's another side to that scraping though, a much sadder one at that, which is when your heart in fact doesn't hold through the scraping and scratching and tears apart at the end of it. What flows out of the torn heart is pained memories of what's been left behind, what could've been, what was, and what wasn't. The tear might fix if the heart feels at home again, but until then the tear is right there to stay. And for every gentle tug at the heart, the tear might open up all over again, for it's never been truly filled unless filled with that familiar feeling of home. The tragedy is, that home somehow seems far from true and closer to a dream.

For if a home were to be found in a place, it would be so much easier, but the heart seems to have it's home only in people. People that have flaws~ flaws that can tug at your little, frail heart and tear it open. 

Love Love, 

Rashima <3