My case with spirituality

Growing up, believing in God was barely a thing, let alone throwing all the ropes to him, and believing blindly in all that happens shall lead you to a better page in life. The short amount of time in my life that I turned into an atheist, was the one point in my life when I had no person to tell to and only myself, with feelings that were too complicated for me to understand, so I very easily excuse my thinking in those few years of life on how lonely I must've been and how the helplessness must have caught on to me. I firmly believed back then and even do today that spirituality and the belief of a god who resides over this uncontrollable world helps a person feel hopeful in the presence of an out worldly power who can save them and help them out of their despair. Or at least, if not solve the despair, have insurance that eventually, that out worldly power will eventually make things fall into place.

I hadn't considered completely believing the presence of God or a spiritual realm up until about two years ago. That was a turning point in my life for sure when I had gotten out of the whole Class X process and started afresh with Class XI. Now being an average student with major procrastination issues is not a very helpful thing when you're dealing with tough to grab topics like those in Grade XI Physics and Physical Chemistry, at one point even my one stand subject~ Biology got impossible for me to understand when Plant Physiology came around. Back then, I used to take walks on the terrace in the evenings just to get some of that pressure out of my body and in an attempt to increase my physical activity, which eventually became the only breather I had when I was under pressure this year in Class XII. 

Coming back, my time for the terrace used to be around sunset, because this girl has always been the biggest fan of those few magical moments every day that make you feel hopeful for better things out there. Looking at the sunset sky and then hearing the chimes all over the place from Puja made me feel better, much more hopeful than I'd thought. Eventually at once point after Dada had gone, I took up the job to at least clean the mandir because of how dusty it had become, and then after cleaning I realized maybe I should start by 'batti karna' and eventually it came around to full on puja as I felt my own mind clear out from the negative emotions.

After repeating the same schedule of Puja for a while after that, it slowly became an everyday ritual to some downstairs, do puja and talk to the murtis, in hope that there is a god on the other side who's listening to you and acknowledging your hardships, aware of the difficulties you are facing and looking at how those difficulties will help you in the long run. I'd spent a good lot of time in the whole of last year trying to learn multiple traditions and shape better days, look at things differently and learn to hope only and leave the rest to God, I'd learnt to not worry and believe in my own power and the power of the world. To believe in the power residing over the whole world, the once fair power who sees and feels all life in the human realm. Things eventually started setting themselves on the right track and I had believed that what I have is enough and there isn't need to look out anywhere for "better". I felt complete and I felt positive in my own skin.

And here is the thing about that belief, as I said in a recent post~ lately life feels like it's falling off track and all that i had is going to break apart from me, maybe for better or maybe for worse, but I haven't really left that belief that maybe whatever happens, if my god stays by me, then he'll make it alright, all things wrong will leave me, yes. But if I put my heart into the right thing properly, maybe God won't deny it and leave it be, maybe some changes will happen for me to value things more, and then things will return back on track, so I never lose the value of the beauty of life....

Love Loves,

Rashima <3